You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
