Who wears a wallet chain?!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
