Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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