chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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