Please, let me fuck your mom
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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