I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
my shit smells like andre
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
