his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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