At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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