i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize