just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
