There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
