sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
