this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
