This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
