His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
