I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
