I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
