Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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