woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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