I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
