Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
