If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
