As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You ruined the universe
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
