By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
A bitchslap is in order.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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