The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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