why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
