Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize