Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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