I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
