and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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