My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
