see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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