My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
