do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
