Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
