Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize