Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
