why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Maybe he injected his testicle?
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