what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
