K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
