Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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