i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
