Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
worst night to have a conscience
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize