She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
