Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
