i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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