I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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