is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
