The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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