so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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