the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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