I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
