spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Randomize
