Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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