i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
