Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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