I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
