it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
you never un-have a 4some
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
