I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
